Saturday, May 14, 2005
My Emotions
Even though I was not beaming with exuberant upon receiving the news that I am pregnant again after just giving birth not more than two months, I pulled back my thoughts after going for the ultrasound which enable me to see this little "bean" that was growing inside me and its beating heart.
As I am one of the ladies that suffers badly from pregnancy morning sickness that goes through out the whole pregnancy, vomitting out every food that I've consumed, I did my very best to ensure that my baby gets all the nutrients he needed. I took the doctor's medication, eat as much as I can no matter how badly it will then drive me to the cubicles to only let it out. I did all I could to the best interest of the baby inside of me. I even go for massage every two weeks right from the begining of my pregnancy to my this very day.
A life was growing inside me and I couldn't see it, feel it, or do anything to ensure its well being.I have never felt so out of control. I was becoming incredibly attached to the pregnancy but at the same time wanted to maintain some distance in case anything went wrong--a very fine line to walk.
A mother will always be a mother. No matter how I tried not to be attached with the foetus, I can't simply resist loving it. Starting to search for the most best eligible names for my baby, wondering how my baby would looked like. If the second baby will be a carbon copy of the brother? and the joy that he will bring to the family.
Hubby and I talked about how the two boys will fight with each other and how chaotic our lives would be when my second baby arrives. With Over-Active Samuel in hand and another to fondle and laugh at his every steps and movements of life. My Lil Baby is an active boy. Constantly kicking and moving around my womb. Even my gynae said that I have an active baby. I can see why, just look at lil Samuel.
When everyone else was fast asleep and I'm left all alone, I will create a conversation with my baby and he will then starts to respond to me by moving and kicking. When I feel upset and again alone, I will rub my stomach and I could feel him stretching out his body to feel my hands, almost like assuring me and telling me that everything will be alright. His moves allay my fears and worries.
With the baby in me, I never felt alone. Everywhere I go he's with me. Our love grows deeply for each other. He could at times feel my pain and sadness. He too could feel the joy and happiness in me. The bond between us is so strong. Be it due to the sharing of the umbilical cords. It is more than anything. I feel him and he feels me.
How could I not cry till my tears turned to blood when I received a very perturbing news. A news that no mother would want to hear or anticipate. After nine months of us sharing so much with each other, how can I take the news without breaking apart. I was totally incapacitated by the news. Right now, I am trying my best to live moment to moment. I feel intensely depressed. True, I need to be strong for my baby. Remind myself that every day that passes seems like a step in the right direction, a sign that I am stronger than this, and one that gives me hope that everything will be alright.
As much as my husband, family and friends tried to comfort me, they couldn’t really understand my pain. No one could comprehend the enormity of what I am feeling and what I continue to feel until I know that everything is fine.
Hope is what sustains me through these questioning tenebrous days, and through the seemingly unbearable grief that I'm trying to salve to be in positive side of life.
To My Baby,
Please do not let go of the love we share so much for the past nine months. Be strong for the sake of me dear. I hope to continue our journey of love between a MOTHER and a SON. You're as much as my life means to me. I LOVE YOU sweetheart. I truly do.
Deeply Loving you,
Your Ibu.
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23 comments:
hey sis..wateva is happenin now..be strong ok..
If u need to someone to listen and to talk..juz call me..i may not noe much of comfortin u but at least a listenin ear will help.
Insya allah..u will be able to overcome all this.
hi Di, stay strong k? u can get thru it. after reading ur entry.. i could feel the motherly love in u.
Gosh, i miss my mom. *sob*
yup, currently i'm kinda bz with assignments and exams in mid june. I think my lecturers just want to kill us with those assignments. *sad*
I'm not pregnant yet to understand what you are feeling rite now, but whatever thats causing you great sorrow, i hope and pray that God helps you in any way possible.
You are a strong woman, but whenever you need a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, i'm around...and so are your friends. Remember, you are not alone. :)
Hi Diana..
I wil pray for you & yur lil' baby inside..Insya Allah everything gonna be fine kay.. Be strong girl! Take care!!
di, what's wrong? continue praying hard for baby's sake and yourself. and get loads of rest, ok?
hello dearie
hope ur feeling better by now yeah? jgn sedey2 kkk...
miss chatting with ya lots! mon k kita dating! :D
hey you.. wat telah happen? Pre natal blues ? in your case plus post natal blues huh?? hey just take care ok .. Dun brood too much .. I understand wat you feeling.. After this baby, take a break ..I guess your body needs a break huh?
Hi Diana...thanx for dropping by my blog...so sorry to hear abt ur predicament now...rest assured everything will get better..be strong ok :)
hi diana..
it's the last few weeks/days(?) of ur pregnancy..
juz pray that everything will turn out fine for both u and baby..
i can't wait to hear the gd news..
Hi Diana , maaf yea tapi yg kat phlog u bukan i ....nick i jaja jash ....neway u take care of urself...be strong
God would not test HIS subjects if HE knew they could not go through it. And he created women to be stronger than men, in terms of motherhood.
Might not know you well enough to know your problems but whatever it is that you are going through, I am sure you will be strong enough to stand the tests of time...
God bless...
You will be doin' fine, mama vogue.. *hugs*
Oh dear..what telah happened? Whatever it is I pray that everything will go smoothly for both your baby and yourself..pls be strong and keep ur faith..and insya allah things will go your way.. *hugs*
hi diana, lovely thing you wrote about being a mummy. beautiful experience. hope whatever that is causing you sadness and pain will go away soon and that you will meet your cute bundle of joy in person! take care babe.
~jewel~
Hi Gorgeous...
Dun be sad.
Life has to go on kan.
Take a break and have a gd rest..Dun worry too much. Not good for you and Baby..
Watever it is...Is all cobaan from Allah swt... We can only doas for the best.. I pray for you and your baby safety..
Take care yeah.
hey mak buyong...
i pray for the best and hope that all goes well :)
*take care see u soon*
Heya sis .. watever u're going through right now, think of the bright side. U're gonna meet ur baby in person now. All the wonderings the past 9 mths can now be erased when u see him live! U take care ok. Insyallah, the delivery will be smooth. I pray for you :)
hey Di,
juz dropped by to say hi & to check how r u? everything ok? hope ur alrite babe.
pape,take care ya. :)
Subhanallah!
Whatever it is I hope you brave thru HIS test. Stay strong and turn to HIM for help.
May HE gave you light to guide you thru this testing time.
I pray for both mommy and baby.
take care sweets!
dearie, wat happened? stay strong and take care k..
hi diana...
im soooo touched reading ur entry....
wish u and baby, semoga sihat senantiasa... and gosh... u r a lovely mommy....
insya Allah... semuanya akan berjalan denganr lanCar...
Hei, CONGRATS on the arrival of ur son!! Rest well and update soon, ya?
CONGRATULATIONS on the birth of your bundle of joy Di!
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